Monday, 20 May 2013

Oh adverts.... How do I hate you, let me count the ways...

Sure Maximum Protection Advert - I know enough about how adverts work.  I know those women are supposed to look 'challenging' and 'full of attitude'.  But really they just look like they've got bad period cramp and you're between them and ice cream.  Not one of them look like they're in the mood to do anything that requires industral strength sweat stopper.  Not one of them look like they've sweated so far through their sports bra it's gone from light marl grey to a slate grey colour, not one of them look like they've got so sweaty they've burned holes in their nylon.  Yeh women sweat, and they sweat really badly, they sweat so badly they have sweaty water beads on their shoulder, they sweat so badly the backs of their hands go shiney,  they sweat so badly if they exercise in their lovely pale blue capri sprint shorts it looks like they've wet themselves.  NONE of those women in that advert look like they have, or ever want to get that sweaty.  They look like they've spent four hours straitening their hair and make up and are angry that no one noticed.

Volum' Express The Rocket Washable Mascara/Barry M Vagas Mascara - The first ad asks you if you want explosive lashes.  Who in their right mind would want their lashes to explode.  Maybelline might as well say "Why don't you come here so I can poke you in the eye with a stick, you'll enjoy that!"  The Barry M one's not any better... 'Eyelashes the size of an elephant', if you want to know what that's like get a heavy bar bell and superglue that to your eyelid you complete eejit.

Amazon. 'Changing your world one thing at a time' with a smile on the box...  You creepy bastards.


Monday, 13 May 2013

Etape Caledonia 2013!! Tis Done!!!!!

'He didn't have to do it - why the fuck do I'.

Didn't get my 'Under 6 hrs' which has narked me.  Quite a Bit.  And of course the Giddy Blonde was too cool to pose with his medal so that's why The Other Blonde's looking a little hard done by. 

The whole weekend went off very much without a hitch.  We arrived on Saturday and registered, went for a late dinner (which was quite dangerous - we decided to have a beer, it very nearly turned into plural).  Got up fine on Sunday but very nearly missed our wave at 6.58am, but thankfully they were running late this year.  My mate Pam was in the same wave but couldn't get up the street and ended up leaving way past her wave.  It's normally run with a military precision but we didn't get away until 7.01am - which was lucky for us. 

The Giddy Blonde got a bit over excited so I kind of lost sight of him in the first 20 miles a few times (Giddy Blonde Addendum: He did wait for me), but after that we pretty much stuck together, and I felt like we were motoring along.   The weather was all right - a cool but dull day with the only wind on the top side of Loch Rannoch.  I stopped for a pee before Schiehallion and then we were up and on it.  Gid's not quite understanding what exactly 'King Of the Mountains' tried for a bit of bonhomie on the way up and said 'Schiehallion can't be as bad as this' and the guy looked at him like the eejit he was.  On the way down I felt like I was slamming it - hitting every corner, taking folk over.  But my new thing - after nearly having some stranger ram into the back of me last weekend when we did the Challenge route (Garry Garmin had a hissy after 14 miles of sticky extra wet Glasgow Rain so I have nothing to show you, nothing to show for spending 7 hrs in the p!ssing sticky Glasgow rain with weather so bad we averaged 9 miles an hour) - is shouting 'BREAK' just before I hit them.  It seems to work.  It also seems to freak out every one around me so I got loads of space on the way down! 

Then it was along the other side of the loch and down to the last 5 miles which was where it went a bit to pot.  There's a nasty corner with a 10% gradient and then after that it's forgetting you've got a bruised coccyx until you sit down, and there's a seat at every corner.  

I lost The Giddy Blonde at this bit - we have an agreement that we go up the hills at our own pace, and usually at the start he's powering on, but then at the end of our cycles I'm keeping pace for us, and he said he managed on the 10% kick but then suddenly his legs had gone and he found it really hard.  And I mean when I hung back for him about a kilometre from the end he was looking ill.  I had big ideas of us finishing together but he couldn't manage that and crawled over like he'd took on Shere Khan and was now trying to find a place to die.  It turns out that for his last 5 miles, on standing up for the 10% gradient he'd squinted his wheel and his tyre was rubbing on the frame and not in no small way.

So the official time was:06:07:21.  Garry Garmin (which manned up for the occasion) says: 05:57:49.  

I want Official Time.

Garry Garmin says 80.8 miles - some sort of glitch I guess.  But it is done.  I'm going to have about a couple of weeks off training and then - after one of the Ladies of Aboyne bigging me up - I'm going to get ripped and built for next year.  There has to be a next year... 

Starts in:Pitlochry, Scotland, GB
Distance:80.8 mi
Elevation:5526 / - 5556 ft
Max Grade
10.4 %
Avg. Grade
0.3 %
VAM507 Vm/h
Ascent time03:19:19
Descent time02:33:20
Total Duration:06:14:24
Moving Time:05:57:49
Stopped Time:00:16:35
Avg. Watts:208
Max Speed:34.1 mph
Avg. Speed:13.5 mph
Moving Pace:00:04:26
Max Heartrate:196 bpm
Min Heartrate:135 bpm
Avg. Heartrate:175.8 bpm
Heartrate zones:
Zone 1:4 min
Zone 2:11 min
Zone 3:41 min
Zone 4:2 hours 19 min
Zone 5:
2 hours 51 min


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